It occurs to me that my last post probably just confirms my drama queen status. Pffft ‘risked her sight’ probably just a sore eye and a bit of an infection. It’ll never matter what I say or what has happened to me I’ll always feel like my experiences and feelings aren’t valid because to the majority of people they aren’t. I’m not. I don’t count, I’m the wrong sort. Too negative. Harmed by my childhood and judged for not being a strong enough child to be unaffected by it.
I recovering from quite a serious eye condition. It was extremely painful and could have affected my sight.
Despite intense stabbing pain and changes in vision put off going to get it checked for 3 days out because of overwhelming fear of being thought dramatic or a hypochondriac.
These are labels I carry to the point that they’ve now become part of my identity. I’m considered a drama queen by almost everyone I meet. I suffer mental illness and feel things very intensely and react very intensely. This is seen as attention seeking drama rather than the genuine authentic experience it is. If I was attention seeking it’s a very inefficient tactic, it actually deprives me of ‘attention’ by which I mean support and encouragement and I’m some cases interaction of any kind. It means it’s OK for people to say ‘so what?’ and ‘thats nothing’ when I reach out when I’m suicical. It means I get dismissed and have to cope alone when things that anyone would struggle with happen, end of long term relationship, close family member dying suddenly for example. This has been going on a long time. More than 20 years ago I was 17, it was the night before my dads funeral, who’d died by suicide and I got called a drama queen because I got upset over something.
On top of this I suffer from M.E. which, despite many many studies finding physical abnormalities, is still considered a mental illness and tantamount to hypochondria. Plus, because of my drama queen status, several M.E. sufferers have revealed to me that they think I don’t even have it. Also been accused of not actually suffering depression and that I’m just using it for attention. Again, very inefficient attention seeking behaviour, it’s only made people steer clear of me.
So many people have ‘affectionately’ called me a drama queen. I don’t understand how such a negative label can really be affectionate. It hurts me.
I always think anyone I speak to thinks I’m exaggerating and attention seeking and the self hate builds inside me. I didn’t want to go to the eye hospital because I couldn’t cope with the thought of being dismissed as a hypochondriac on top of how I already feel about myself.
I’ll never be free of this unless I change my behaviour but my behaviour is part of mental illness and something I can’t actually help so I have to live with it. Knowing that actually needing more support means I’m a bad person who doesn’t deserve support or anything else.
My sight ‘should’ return to normal and I should be ok but there are potential complications.
I know if I were a stronger better person I wouldn’t have been affected but I’m always trying my hardest. I wish people would believe that.
Have you ever been in a job interview or similar situation and your mind has gone completely blank? That’s what most social situations are like for me. I never have anything to say and when I do think of something it comes out weird or I accidentally talk over someone which just intensifies my awkward self consciousness.
Just relax, be myself? I can’t. Being myself hasn’t worked out well for me, I ended up with bad friends and they were the best I could go. Besides. I’m not entirely sure who myself is any more, decades of twisting myself inside trying to be the sort of person that deserves good friends and nights out and birthday parties.
I can’t just relax because of the things my friends have told me is wrong with me. All these are things that people I see regularly on Facebook have said to me about my company and personality. No fun, too intense, annoying and repetitive, weird, not right sort of person (to mix with other friends), miserable, irritating and so on. So what, right? Be confident, love yourself etc etc. Sorry, I tried but I can’t do it. Too much has happened over decades of my life to just wander around feeling great while I’m stuck outside of everything, while people have low standards for me, where I can’t expect equality to my friends without someone telling me I’m chasing fairytale ideals that don’t really exist.
I don’t get enough practice and I can’t get enough practice to ease social anxiety issues. I went a whole year without seeing my friends socially. Some I haven’t seen for years and possibly will never see again. I can’t seem to fit myself into things.
Then, there’s kids, which many of my friends have I struggle more around kids which upsets me because I used to be good with kids. Now days, because of how much I read online about certain issues and about not teaching kids negative thing I’m super conscious of what I’m saying and you know what, because of the way my brain works I’m literally guaranteed to say something inappropriate. Like how at the weekend I joked about being really girly playing a game of air hockey and screaming every time the puck came near. So great, I’m now promoting negative gender stereotypes. I know one thing isn’t that big a deal but I hate that I always do this. And like trying to encourage a child to kiss or hug me goodbye even though I’ve read severeal articles that I agree with that children shouldn’t be forced or coerced into physical affection.
Social things are just a massive minefield for me and I have no good reason to relax and feel like it’s OK to be my flawed awkward self. I have nothing fun or interesting to contribute. I have nothing to say.
I’m intensely lonely but being around people doesn’t help. I just feel intensely aware of how fucking weird in a bad way and awkward and dull I am. I’m horribly aware of how much I lack in comparison to the other friends of the person I’m with. Something that’s been pointed out in the past. People are kind and tolerant, they want to help but I know I have nothing to offer them
My problem is this. I feel hopeless. I’ve asked for help time and time again but every time I’ve been lead away from the problem. I’m too tired to go into all the details, I know you might be reading this and seeing my situation as very straightforward, that I just need an attitude adjustment. It goes so deep. I’m so lonely, I can’t be myself with people, I can’t ask people to spend time in my company, I can’t make ‘socialising’ friends, I cant have a comfortable chat with people who are charitable enough to offer me their time, I can’t celebrate my birthday with friends or see anyone more than once a year. I know people like me don’t have value. I know I’m not worth anything. I know my life isn’t worth anything. I’m not beautiful and positive, I’m the worst kind of person, even though I try to help everyone I meet, I’m emotional and honest about how I feel and that means I deserve less. I’m negative negative negative, the worst kind of ugly, because I’m unhappy being a pseudo being, a nothing with ideas about her station. I have no place in the world. The good things I do don’t count and I.domt deserve the kindness of people who try to make me feel better. I feel all of this every minute of every day and I’m tired of fighting it and I’m tired of fighting this while people ate giving me tough love wanting me to stop ‘wallowing’. I’m constantly ripped in half trying to fulfill expectations that are complete opposites. Who is angered by my commenting on posts that don’t concern me. Who is angered by me not taking interest in their lives that don’t concern me, I’ve been told off for both. I just want a place, somewhere where I’m liked and accepted without me having to turn myself inside out, working out likeable things to say and do, people pleasing and being useful and ‘kind’ and kept at arms length. Where I’m ok to join in. I want to have equality with my friends. I want to deserve the same as my friends so, rather than being the sub standard hanger on. I just want to be a person. I know I’m annoying and weird and awkward. I can’t help that.
I’ve tried my best but it isn’t good enough to get anything better. I don’t know what to try anymore. People didn’t want me when I was well. Why would they want me now.
This has annoyed me since the day after writing my last entry. Anyone who knows me well will know that I have what might be considered a mild obsession with polka dots, mostly clothes and stationery. It’s weird I completely left it off an extensive ‘about me’ list. Ugggh, I’m reading this back to myself and its in my “intellectual voice” which always feels a bit snooty and stuck up but I’m really not like that. I’m common as muck and only a little bit smarter than the average bear. My memory absorbs things without me meaning to but, as I’ve demonstrated with the polka dots, it likes to randomly forget big things. Only connect whooshes about 2 feet over my head, I’m not super high minded. There were other things about me too, that I thought of, that I should have put in the list.
Brace yourself for snooty intellectual voice now though: I’m fascinated by language, the richness of vocabulary, the different nuances in synonyms, the onomatopoeic nature of words, the way some words feel weird or funny to say (moist plinth) and the way that some euphemisms for genitalia are much more socially acceptable than others. My grammar isn’t great though. Now I’ll step down off the snooty step. Tonight, feeling a little gloomy and overwhelmed from being in more pain than I’m used to, I was completely cheered up by Miriam Margolyes using the C word on live TV (sometimes when I mention the C word I’m jokingly referring to Christmas but this time I mean the rude 4 letter one). I cackled like a witch. I love her, an intelligent, funny and talented lady who seems to have this refreshing “fuck it all, I’ll say what I think” attitude. Not one of those “I say it like it is” people who use honesty as an excuse to say hurtful insulting things to others but someone who is free in expressing herself, her experiences and her thoughts. I think there’s something to be admired in that.
This post is entirely self indulgent and a little waffly. I wrote it because I felt like it, because thoughts kept leaping into my mind. A little because I’ve felt very much like a one dimensional pseudo human for the last few days. I think maybe just putting things down in black and white is good for me, my mind is a very busy place. I do hope to write some things that are beneficial to others, even if I’m just expressing my own experiences, maybe someone who’s gone through similar won’t feel alone, or like no one else understands.
Soooooo……. I start a lot of things like this. There are a lot of thoughts and ideas and observations that seem to whirl around in my mind almost with a life of their own. I don’t always have an appropriate outlet for them. The cat is really really bored of me telling her so I’m gonna do it here and bore you instead!
I feel like this should be some kind of introduction but I’m not going to sit here make a dating site profile type list. I’m going to kill two birds with one stone though, an exercise aimed at making me feel a little more human and less like a list of problems but it’ll tell you a little about me too. You see, I have mental health problems; depression, self image issues and a very unclear sense of self. I’ve recently had an assessment for therapy and although this is an important part of the process towards feeling more positive it can make you feel worse initially. For 2 hours I sat with a woman I’d never met listing all the negative parts of my life, My struggles, the painful memories, my flaws, my social problems. I feel like since then I’ve been carrying with me everywhere a bunch of balloons with each one representing a problem I have, a nasty name I’ve been called and all my flaws. It’s a huge bunch, impossible to ignore and it’s getting in the way of everything. I hope this might release some of those balloons.
I am mischievous. I make silver jewellery. I love drinking Pimm’s in the sunshine. I don’t care what the weather is like, if I’m on holiday I want an ice cream. I dance like no one is watching, almost always when they’re not watching. I absolutely adore alliteration. I’m prone to exaggerate for amusing effect (see last statement). I overuse the exclamation mark!!!! I enjoy the whimsical side of life. I believe that if you touch a soft toy in a shop you have to buy it so it doesn’t feel rejected. I have purchased a soft toy because it felt like it was staring at me. No, delusions aren’t part of my mental illness, that’s just how I justified buying it. I can justify the purchase of just about anything. I love shoes. I accidentally start collecting things like brooches, rings, handbags and hair flowers. I love glitter and sparkle. My favourite colour is red. I’m intelligent. I’m ditzy. I love bright and fun 50s style clothes. I’m a bit of a foodie. I love encouraging other people to be creative especially those who doubt their ability. I love art deco design. I love a vase of daffodils, a burst of sunshine in the room. I love hello kitty and unicorns and I refuse to ever change that just because of my age. I’m sensitive and caring. I’m kind. I’m snarky. I have a fairly filthy sense of humour. I have a weird talent for remembering things that help when choosing presents for people. I have a talent for forgetting things I should remember. I love a pub garden in summer, or a barbecue. I love vintage fairs, just to look, I rarely buy. I love Rennie-Mackintosh, Jack Vettriano and the Pre-Raphaelites. I like social history. I like shopping. I like fireworks, the light show, I’d rather they didn’t make so much noise. The only thing currently on my bucket list is to see the northern lights. I’m passionate. I’m enthusiastic. I’m a craft tart. I’ll share almost anything I have. I love Harry Potter, not obsessively but enough to go to the studio tour twice. I love books and reading. I’m creative. I love to make people smile and forget their troubles, even if it’s only for a moment. I love cats but dogs are awesome too. I love fluffy socks and cosy blankets. I wear cat ear headbands and I love fancy dress. I like candles and fairy lights and bunting.
I could go on but I think that’s enough for now 🙂