I forgot the freaking polka dots!

This has annoyed me since the day after writing my last entry. Anyone who knows me well will know that I have what might be considered a mild obsession with polka dots, mostly clothes and stationery. It’s weird I completely left it off an extensive ‘about me’ list.  Ugggh, I’m reading this back to myself and its in my “intellectual voice” which always feels a bit snooty and stuck up but I’m really not like that. I’m common as muck and only a little bit smarter than the average bear. My memory absorbs things without me meaning to but, as I’ve demonstrated with the polka dots, it likes to randomly forget big things. Only connect whooshes about 2 feet over my head, I’m not super high minded. There were other things about me too, that I thought of, that I should have put in the list.

Brace yourself for snooty intellectual voice now though: I’m fascinated by language, the richness of vocabulary, the different nuances in synonyms, the onomatopoeic nature of words, the way some words feel weird or funny to say (moist plinth) and the way that some euphemisms for genitalia are much more socially acceptable than others. My grammar isn’t great though. Now I’ll step down off the snooty step. Tonight, feeling a little gloomy and overwhelmed from being in more pain than I’m used to, I was completely cheered up by Miriam Margolyes using the C word on live TV (sometimes when I mention the C word I’m jokingly referring to Christmas but this time I mean the rude 4 letter one). I cackled like a witch. I love her, an intelligent, funny and talented lady who seems to have this refreshing “fuck it all, I’ll say what I think” attitude. Not one of those “I say it like it is” people who use honesty as an excuse to say hurtful insulting things to others but someone who is free in expressing herself, her experiences and her thoughts. I think there’s something to be admired in that.

This post is entirely self indulgent and a little waffly. I wrote it because I felt like it, because thoughts kept leaping into my mind. A little because I’ve felt very much like a one dimensional pseudo human for the last few days. I think maybe just putting things down in black and white is good for me, my mind is a very busy place. I do hope to write some things that are beneficial to others, even if I’m just expressing my own experiences, maybe someone who’s gone through similar won’t feel alone, or like no one else understands.

 

Balloons

Soooooo……. I start a lot of things like this. There are a lot of thoughts and ideas and observations that seem to whirl around in my mind almost with a life of their own. I don’t always have an appropriate outlet for them. The cat is really really bored of me telling her so I’m gonna do it here and bore you instead!

I feel like this should be some kind of introduction but I’m not going to sit here make a dating site profile type list. I’m going to kill two birds with one stone though, an exercise aimed at making me feel a little more human and less like a list of problems but it’ll tell you a little about me too. You see, I have mental health problems; depression, self image issues and a very unclear sense of self. I’ve recently had an assessment for therapy and although this is an important part of the process towards feeling more positive it can make you feel worse initially. For 2 hours I sat with a woman I’d never met listing all the negative parts of my life, My struggles, the painful memories, my flaws, my social problems. I feel like since then I’ve been carrying with me everywhere a bunch of balloons with each one representing a problem I have, a nasty name I’ve been called and all my flaws. It’s a huge bunch, impossible to ignore and it’s getting in the way of everything. I hope this might release some of those balloons.

I am mischievous. I make silver jewellery. I love drinking Pimm’s in the sunshine. I don’t care what the weather is like, if I’m on holiday I want an ice cream. I dance like no one is watching, almost always when they’re not watching. I absolutely adore alliteration. I’m prone to exaggerate for amusing effect (see last statement). I overuse the exclamation mark!!!! I enjoy the whimsical side of life. I believe that if you touch a soft toy in a shop you have to buy it so it doesn’t feel rejected. I have purchased a soft toy because it felt like it was staring at me. No, delusions aren’t part of my mental illness, that’s just how I justified buying it. I can justify the purchase of just about anything. I love shoes. I accidentally start collecting things like brooches, rings, handbags and hair flowers. I love glitter and sparkle. My favourite colour is red. I’m intelligent. I’m ditzy. I love bright and fun 50s style clothes. I’m a bit of a foodie. I love encouraging other people to be creative especially those who doubt their ability. I love art deco design. I love a vase of daffodils, a burst of sunshine in the room. I love hello kitty and unicorns and I refuse to ever change that just because of my age. I’m sensitive and caring. I’m kind. I’m snarky. I have a fairly filthy sense of humour. I have a weird talent for remembering things that help when choosing presents for people. I have a talent for forgetting things I should remember. I love a pub garden in summer, or a barbecue. I love vintage fairs, just to look, I rarely buy. I love Rennie-Mackintosh, Jack Vettriano and the Pre-Raphaelites. I like social history. I like shopping. I like fireworks, the light show, I’d rather they didn’t make so much noise. The only thing currently on my bucket list is to see the northern lights. I’m passionate. I’m enthusiastic. I’m a craft tart. I’ll share almost anything I have. I love Harry Potter, not obsessively but enough to go to the studio tour twice. I love books and reading. I’m creative. I love to make people smile and forget their troubles, even if it’s only for a moment. I love cats but dogs are awesome too. I love fluffy socks and cosy blankets. I wear cat ear headbands and I love fancy dress. I like candles and fairy lights and bunting.

I could go on but I think that’s enough for now 🙂